I'm mourning so much at one time. Literally grieving, the kind of grief that grips your chest tight, the lump in your throat you force down. As non chalant as my last breath, memories flood my mind constantly. I'm forced to smile and preform, while simultaneously combating intrusive thoughts. I'm mourning the relationship that I poured my life into. The one relationship that I nurtured, because I knew it couldn't fail. The love I thought was real. The man behind it all. As two separate entities, I grieve him as much as what we had. I'm mourning the loss of a family unit - the most painful. I built for my kids what I never had, and it was stolen from me. My most prized possession. Gone, just like that. And I'm left to start over with fragments of who I used to be, and a woman I known nothing about. This new territory is terrifying, this woman I'm getting to know is knit together with beautiful intricacies. I'm mourning the loss of my old self, as I step into the role of this stranger.
The sky was filled with angry formations, the air was tender. Droplets fell from the sky faster than my windshield wipers could clear my view. The birds were silent, causing the sound of the rain to nearly echo as it fell. My heart was tired that day, just exhausted from the everyday struggle. The pitter patter against the glass made me anxious in one way, and at the very same time it calmed me. Anxiety roamed my mind, just loud enough to remind me he was looming. Lingering somewhere in the darkness of my conscious, telling me something horrible was going to happen. Whispering tormenting thoughts of my past and screaming uncertainties of my future, or lack thereof. The falling beads also brought some form of comfort, a familiarity. I have spent my fair share of time wiping similar droplets from my eyes. Sometimes because circumstances were so much bigger than myself, other times because the goodness of the Father overwhelmed me. Every once in a while, tears would fall ...
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