I'm mourning so much at one time. Literally grieving, the kind of grief that grips your chest tight, the lump in your throat you force down. As non chalant as my last breath, memories flood my mind constantly. I'm forced to smile and preform, while simultaneously combating intrusive thoughts. I'm mourning the relationship that I poured my life into. The one relationship that I nurtured, because I knew it couldn't fail. The love I thought was real. The man behind it all. As two separate entities, I grieve him as much as what we had. I'm mourning the loss of a family unit - the most painful. I built for my kids what I never had, and it was stolen from me. My most prized possession. Gone, just like that. And I'm left to start over with fragments of who I used to be, and a woman I known nothing about. This new territory is terrifying, this woman I'm getting to know is knit together with beautiful intricacies. I'm mourning the loss of my old self, as I step into the role of this stranger.
Surrender: cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority I’ve been really focused on surrender lately. I have wracked my brain looking for things to get rid of. I carefully bring each one to the throne in reverence and in blind faith. I have given all I know to give. I have begged God to take these vices from me, to deliver me from the trouble I’ve gotten myself into. I have submitted myself to God’s authority, just as the definition above dictates. In worship recently, I was just praying, asking God once again to take the vice. Take addictive behaviors. Change my desires– all I want is You Lord. And in my spirit I heard him ask me, “Do you want to be made whole. Do you want to be well?”. My mind instantly went to Jesus asking the paralyzed man at the pool of Bethesda the same thing. Of course! My response was, yes Lord. Whatever it takes. I then found myself praying for healing. Not deliverance, which is what I had been seeking. It hit me, maybe my deliveranc
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