I'm mourning so much at one time. Literally grieving, the kind of grief that grips your chest tight, the lump in your throat you force down. As non chalant as my last breath, memories flood my mind constantly. I'm forced to smile and preform, while simultaneously combating intrusive thoughts. I'm mourning the relationship that I poured my life into. The one relationship that I nurtured, because I knew it couldn't fail. The love I thought was real. The man behind it all. As two separate entities, I grieve him as much as what we had. I'm mourning the loss of a family unit - the most painful. I built for my kids what I never had, and it was stolen from me. My most prized possession. Gone, just like that. And I'm left to start over with fragments of who I used to be, and a woman I known nothing about. This new territory is terrifying, this woman I'm getting to know is knit together with beautiful intricacies. I'm mourning the loss of my old self, as I step into the role of this stranger.
I’ve wandered far from home, and I can feel that I am coming to the end of myself. Whispers in my heart call my name, from a voice that I cannot deny. The same voice that spoke and told the waters where to stop, speaks to the inner depths of who I am. Calling me home, beckoning for my to return. Mercy draws me to repentance, as grace covers my transgressions. A reassurance fills my spirit, reminding me of God’s faithfulness. I am nearly embarrassed to give him what is left of my broken heart. I do not know how I ended up here, in this foreign land of uncertainty and unbelief. He meets me in my brokenness and I crumble under his presence, there is no high that can compare. I lay my scattered fragments of what remains at the foot of the cross, and I just sit there in his presence. Oh, I never want to leave.
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