Beautifully Broken & Gracefully Redeemed

  I'm mourning so much at one time. Literally grieving, the kind of grief that grips your chest tight, the lump in your throat you force down. As non chalant as my last breath, memories flood my mind constantly. I'm forced to smile and preform, while simultaneously combating intrusive thoughts. I'm mourning the relationship that I poured my life into. The one relationship that I nurtured, because I knew it couldn't fail. The love I thought was real. The man behind it all. As two separate entities, I grieve him as much as what we had. I'm mourning the loss of a family unit  - the most painful. I built for my kids what I never had, and it was stolen from me. My most prized possession. Gone, just like that. And I'm left to start over with fragments of who I used to be, and a woman I known nothing about. This new territory is terrifying, this woman I'm getting to know is knit together with beautiful intricacies. I'm mourning the loss of my old self, as I ste...

Surrender: cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and  submit to their authority I’ve been really focused on surrender lately. I have wracked my brain looking for things to get rid of. I carefully bring each one to the throne in reverence and in blind faith. I have given all I know to give. I have begged God to take these vices from me, to deliver me from the trouble I’ve gotten myself into. I have submitted myself to God’s authority, just as the definition above dictates. In worship recently, I was just praying, asking God once again to take the vice. Take addictive behaviors. Change my desires– all I want is You Lord. And in my spirit I heard him ask me, “Do you want to be made whole. Do you want to be well?”. My mind instantly went to Jesus asking the paralyzed man at the pool of Bethesda the same thing. Of course! My response was, yes Lord. Whatever it takes. I then found myself praying for healing. Not deliverance, which is what I had been seeking. It hit me, maybe my delive...

 I’d like to speak to the hearts of the abandoned. The ones who always end up on the hurting end of other’s “free will”. The enemy wants you to think you are alone. That there is something wrong with you in an intimate way. He wants to convince you that you are damaged and no good, and that you deserve what you’ve been given. My dear friend, the devil is a liar and the father of all lies. Do not buy into this for even a second. I have been where you are, weary one. He will implant these thoughts into your head and they will spread like wildfire. They will consume you, and attempt destroy every work the Lord has done. Do not give him that power! I know this sounds redundant, I know it sounds cliché and impossible – but stop counting your losses. Get a pen and paper if you have to and write out the victories Jesus has carried you through. Each one. From the small wins to the life altering ones, the ones you cannot deny. When abandonment cries out to you – speak against it in the name...

  The sky was filled with angry formations, the air was tender. Droplets fell from the sky faster than my windshield wipers could clear my view. The birds were silent, causing the sound of the rain to nearly echo as it fell. My heart was tired that day, just exhausted from the everyday struggle. The pitter patter against the glass made me anxious in one way, and at the very same time it calmed me. Anxiety roamed my mind, just loud enough to remind me he was looming. Lingering somewhere in the darkness of my conscious, telling me something horrible was going to happen. Whispering tormenting thoughts of my past and screaming uncertainties of my future, or lack thereof. The falling beads also brought some form of comfort, a familiarity. I have spent my fair share of time wiping similar droplets from my eyes.   Sometimes because circumstances were so much bigger than myself, other times because the goodness of the Father overwhelmed me. Every once in a while, tears would fall ...

This is vulnerable. It's real and it's raw. It's emotional. It's divorce. I come to the throne again, weak and worn. Exhausted from this never ending fight. Grieving the loss of the family I always dreamed my children would have. Saying goodbye to what I thought was forever. Clinging for dear life to the cross of my beloved Savior. Hanging on to every promise written for me in His word. Bringing myself broken before him again and again, knowing he never tires. My words today are few, I'm weary and battle worn. But He is faithful. If I am certain of any one thing, just for today, I know that his promises over me and my children are true. We will rise from glory to glory. These difficult days will not define any one of us.