Beautifully Broken & Gracefully Redeemed

I've walked the lonely halls of hopelessness. The darkness is all consuming, the stench of impending doom fills the atmosphere. Nothing feels safe, nobody feels safe. Everywhere I turn is disappointment and heartache. Everyone who once meant anything to me is now a distant memory of another failed relationship. Failure has become my middle name, shame a close second. Echoes of the past haunt my dreams and memories alike. Uncertainties of the future torment me, whispering the lies that I am utterly alone. What is there to learn in a place of so much devastation? Would the God of the universe really reach into this dreadful place to redeem me? I know he is faithful, I have seen it first hand in the lives of other people. What about me though? When will he move mountains for me? I long for the days that my hope was set on a firm foundation, when nothing could shake me. The only hope I have left is the little bit of faith that I am clinging too. Dare I put my hope in one I cannot see?

  I’ve wandered far from home, and I can feel that I am coming to the end of myself. Whispers in my heart call my name, from a voice that I cannot deny. The same voice that spoke and told the waters where to stop, speaks to the inner depths of who I am. Calling me home, beckoning for my to return. Mercy draws me to repentance, as grace covers my transgressions. A reassurance fills my spirit, reminding me of God’s faithfulness. I am nearly embarrassed to give him what is left of my broken heart.   I do not know how I ended up here, in this foreign land of uncertainty and unbelief. He meets me in my brokenness and I crumble under his presence, there is no high that can compare. I lay my scattered fragments of what remains at the foot of the cross, and I just sit there in his presence. Oh, I never want to leave.

  Have you ever found yourself in an emotional tornado? Where everything is happening all at once and your world is spinning out of control? Where the only option you have is to stand and watch your entire life circle around you? Banging off the ground – flying in the air. Everything that has ever meant anything to you is free game to the storm. That sounds like the hard part. Oh darling, I wish I could tell you it was. The storm itself is terrifying and damaging. But going through the ruble of what used to be is far, far worse.   I would rather stand in the middle of a room and see what I have swarming around me, than to look at the ruins that are leftover. Memories soaked with tears are all that are left. Walk through the ruins of your mind to see that nothing is as it used to be. The tornado was a defining moment in time that everything will be measured by from now on. At some point you have to start picking up the broken pieces of what remains and start to build again. You’ll feel

  I'm mourning so much at one time. Literally grieving, the kind of grief that grips your chest tight, the lump in your throat you force down. As non chalant as my last breath, memories flood my mind constantly. I'm forced to smile and preform, while simultaneously combating intrusive thoughts. I'm mourning the relationship that I poured my life into. The one relationship that I nurtured, because I knew it couldn't fail. The love I thought was real. The man behind it all. As two separate entities, I grieve him as much as what we had. I'm mourning the loss of a family unit  - the most painful. I built for my kids what I never had, and it was stolen from me. My most prized possession. Gone, just like that. And I'm left to start over with fragments of who I used to be, and a woman I known nothing about. This new territory is terrifying, this woman I'm getting to know is knit together with beautiful intricacies. I'm mourning the loss of my old self, as I ste

Surrender: cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and  submit to their authority I’ve been really focused on surrender lately. I have wracked my brain looking for things to get rid of. I carefully bring each one to the throne in reverence and in blind faith. I have given all I know to give. I have begged God to take these vices from me, to deliver me from the trouble I’ve gotten myself into. I have submitted myself to God’s authority, just as the definition above dictates. In worship recently, I was just praying, asking God once again to take the vice. Take addictive behaviors. Change my desires– all I want is You Lord. And in my spirit I heard him ask me, “Do you want to be made whole. Do you want to be well?”. My mind instantly went to Jesus asking the paralyzed man at the pool of Bethesda the same thing. Of course! My response was, yes Lord. Whatever it takes. I then found myself praying for healing. Not deliverance, which is what I had been seeking. It hit me, maybe my deliveranc

 I’d like to speak to the hearts of the abandoned. The ones who always end up on the hurting end of other’s “free will”. The enemy wants you to think you are alone. That there is something wrong with you in an intimate way. He wants to convince you that you are damaged and no good, and that you deserve what you’ve been given. My dear friend, the devil is a liar and the father of all lies. Do not buy into this for even a second. I have been where you are, weary one. He will implant these thoughts into your head and they will spread like wildfire. They will consume you, and attempt destroy every work the Lord has done. Do not give him that power! I know this sounds redundant, I know it sounds cliché and impossible – but stop counting your losses. Get a pen and paper if you have to and write out the victories Jesus has carried you through. Each one. From the small wins to the life altering ones, the ones you cannot deny. When abandonment cries out to you – speak against it in the name of